This is a poem I wrote up a while back. It's one of the few free-verses I've done. Any comments would be very helpful.
It’s heavy.
I can’t hold it up any longer.
I’m collapsing under this weight.
Why me? Why did you choose me for this?
It’s so heavy.
Am I the only one holding this up?
I’m falling
I can’t hold it.
I didn’t ask to be an Atlas.
How can I hold all this up?
Does no one see it?
Will no one help me share the weight?
It’d be so much easier, then
If only someone would see.
They have their own Worlds to hold
And I’m stuck with this one.
Maybe someone, somewhere, is holding this same world
But I just can’t see.
It’s so big, you know.
But it doesn’t help if I don’t know there’s someone helping.
And I, or we, can’t set this World down.
We’re holding it because He called us to hold it aloft.
People would die if we put it down to rest ourselves.
Look! A prince!
No, the Prince.
He’s walking this way.
Maybe He’ll give me someone to help me hold it.
Maybe He’ll tell me I can set it down,
That the problems are all fixed now.
Maybe He’ll rise up an army of Atlases,
And we can carry this World together.
No, He has no crowd following.
Just Him.
Scars on His wrists and feet.
What is he doing? He’s next to me.
He’s raising His hands.
He’s grabbing the globe.
He’s not taking the whole thing,
Just part of it.
I still have to hold up the World.
But I’m not alone, this Atlas.
He’s holding it up with me.
It feels so much lighter now!
It’s still there, the Earth.
I can still feel it.
But it’s easier with Him here.
And one Day,
He’ll take it completely.
This Earth will shrink,
But grow heavier.
Then, that Day,
It’ll go away completely.
And we’ll be free from holding any World.
His world will be the only world.
O, let that day come!
--Jacki Siwel
4 comments:
Wow... I felt like crying when I read this! It's soo beautiful Jacki =) Great idea, wonderful word choices, and very inspiring. I've never read a poem of yours, but I have to say that you're brilliant at it! Perfect.
Miss Siwel:
Very much enjoyed your poem Atlas. The extended metaphor was very beautiful and your use of free verse rendered an excellent stream-of-consciousness affect.
At your request, I am posting a few constructive comments:
~When she sees the Christ approaching to lift the weight, why does she call him the Prince? Are there any visual ques that would lead her (and the reader) to immediately recognize him as royalty?
~What are you trying to convey when you describe the earth as shrinking and growing heavier in the Prince's hands? I found that part rather confusing.
~I would love to see you add more description of the Prince's World at the end of the poem, particularly contrasting the heaviness and sorrow of the present world with the light and laughter of the one to come.
Stevenson:
Thank you (and the Scribbler) for your comments. In response to your questions, I shall attempt to be concise.
-It is not so much recognition from the narrator immediately, as the narrator knows the Prince well. The scarred wrists and feet, along with the capitalisation of the word "Prince" imply to the reader that this man is the Christ.
-It is a bit unclear. It was meant to be a reference to the Apocalypse. I am not certain now why the earth shrunk; the heaviness was the weight of this world on the shoulders of the redeemed. I think that the shrinking and heaviness of the world was meant to happen before the Prince took it completely. As you noted, this was written in stream of consciousness.
-Perhaps. I shall see if I can find a way of getting that in.
Again, thanks to both Stevenson and the Scribbler. Cheers.
Wow! I sure felt like that at times! Great job at capturing the moment!
Cheers!
-Starcatcher
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